Author Archives: Sven Jissom

Linear B

Signs were incised into clay tablets shaped like a palm leaf. After the tablets were written they were stored in baskets without being fired. The only tablets that have been found are those that have been accidentally fired, often in the conflagrations that destroyed the palaces where the archives existed.

One dam Ingin

“Queequeg no care what god made him shark,” said the savage, agonizingly lifting his hand up and down; “wedder Fejee god or Nantucket god; but de god wat made shark must be one dam Ingin.”

God said

God said let there be light so he took his hammer and saw.
God said let there be dirt and he dug it.
God said let there be air and he blew it.
God said let there be clams and he was happy as all get-out.
Read all about it in the funny papers.

God said send the wife down to the cellar for another can of air.
Goid said check the expiry date.

Numerical sourcebook for poets, No. 1

Bond prodigieux

i’ll wager you a quarter to noon
payable at two bits on the buck
to brownies at four o’clock
all shaved and a hair cut
that the tail gunner ain’t worth his weight in salami
when god is my copropilot

please wait here while your software is unloaded
click here for the private parts
meet constance, one half asian
off half cocked on the go
escallope as a snail at midnight

shell shocked as she sells cockles
as busty as the wind
nailed as the day is long
toothsome to boot
gain root

my firewall was squawking like a chicken
they rounded up a bunch of the homeless
for failing to install fresh batteries in their smoke detectors
lots of work for the monkeys’ uncles

download this sertified program to cleanse your hard drive of unpatriotic material

oddly enough, the oil barons were expert climatologists

Searchers continue to comb the remote Nemiah Valley west of Williams Lake for a mushroom picker who went missing a week ago.

Karloff’s Infinity

Karloff is to Reed as Bacon is to infinity. Network error connecting. Can you hang on a second? Let me run the evidence eliminator to destroy my history. Enabling the pop-under ad killer. Implementing boss key. Homeopathic file shredding to 21 dilutions. Cookie manager. Click here for free password sites. Real amateur housewife pics. Core dump. I think we’re clean.


“Homeland Security announces charges against Marxist narcoterrorists in Fargo.”

Connected. All systems a go-go.

When is an oil not an oil

Do not waste random numbers — you may never see them again.

In the story, his movements were graceful, but he’s gone a tad limp in his game leg. Said the seamstress to the fly.

A hunk of rye and a thigh, said the fly, and zippity do-dah, zippity day.

His autopsy found that he was the only person of no particular distinction; but they overlooked his thumbs.

It is the first hand person to be born with two fingers, one on each.

But grandmother, did they have thumbs ?

No child, no thumbs.

Then how did they eat their chicken wings ?

They pressed the chicken button.

One day, among the two fingered people, a man came by sea. The very sight of the man killed an old dog.

Grandmother, tell us the tale. Tell how he cashed in on the two finger discount.

Ulysses bid farewell to his wife and to his son, child, and headed into the mountains with an oar over his shoulder. On the fourth day a farmer asked him about the shape of his blade, whether it was for winnowing. Ulysses went to supper that night with the farmer, who talked about his children: They were all working stiffs.

A works on the fab line for Bush Brothers Heavy Industries. All of Homeland’s contracts come through Bush Brothers.

B is a guard at the solar facility near Chomsky’s Last Stand, a joint venture of Homeland and Bush Brothers.

C is head of IT for the Betty Furness Woman’s Prison, a subsidiary of Bush and Clinton.

A, B, and C all live in Camp Silicon. They go to church at St. Obama of the Drones.

What’s a drone, grandmother?

The friars like to say that a drone is the harmonious effect of a single note. But we say “this drone’s for you.” Meaning watch your back. Like when the friars are upon you.

The farmer said he had one more child, D, who was harvested as a slave for Big Goo. But productivity constrained the number of slaves Big Goo could afford. The highest concentration was in the camps. It was careful not to bring the pool below the number needed to maintain the silicon fabrication facilities.

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